Dealing with the emotions...

Before I forget I would like to share that....

I LOST 3 LBS!!! For a grand total of... 9 LBS!!!! yayyy meeeeeeee!!!

SO exciting...

Ok. So if you follow me on the Twitter or even Facebook you will see that I have this desire to be in the gym. Right now. At 11:59 pm. I was just sitting here contemplating why this is so. I think I have actually worked out 4 times in the last 2 weeks and now I have this undeniable connection with the treadmill? 

Ummm... NO.

In all actuality, I feel restless. Helpless. Unwanted. Undesirable. Heartbroken. Let down. The list could go on and on.

All because of a Words with Friends game.

Well...  Not exactly the GAME, but the person I was playing with. See I was playing the game and it ended and there wasn't a request for a rematch.

So yeah... I have hinted at this guy RJ. Which, I probably shouldn't have mentioned him before but I'm going to talk about it  today. This is something that I need to face and I'm not going to be able to sleep till I do so here goes. This person came into my life about 5 years ago and the moment I met him I knew that this was going to be a hard one to shake. The reason why I said "one" is because I don't want to label it something and he see this and hate me even more for it. But anyway that faithful day I was shaken to the core by him and didn't know what to do about it. I mean COME ON!! I was 21 and never had  had a boyfriend before. How was I supposed to??

But anywhoo... On the way there were things that was said to me (idk if they said the same to him) by others, and somethings by him, and things said by me to him. All in all I ended up having feelings for him that I couldn't deal with. I didn't know how to. So I was immature and did it all the wrong way. Even now I still haven't learned and am trying to hang on to that one shred of hope that there could be something. 

There is nothing. Nothing else to say. Nothing else to do. If there really was something it would work. But it's not. I have cried, many times. I have cried from confusion, hurt, and even anger. I have cried so much that even now I have no tears just this anxiety of the uncertain future.

I wish there was a way I could undo what was said, felt and expressed. But the past is the past and there is no turning back now.

Awkward and Awesome Thursday!

Awkward:


-Me (being the studious person I am in the back of the classroom) raisibg my hand: "I have a question."
Cushman: "Ok. Go ahead."
Me: "Can everyone in my row move their desks up a bit. I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic."
Becky: "OMG really?? I thought you had a serious question."
Cushman: "Was I supposed to give an answer for that?"
Me: "No (smile). Only if you like."
(Crickets chirping) Cushman: "BACK to Classical Conditioning".
-Mom- sleeping in the recliner at the hospital. Me- laying on the bed. Doctor- walks in and looks at me "Mrs. Cates?" Ummmm... NOT me.lol
- Falling asleep in the middle of lecture WHILE Dr. Professor-who-shall-remail-nameless is looking you right in the face. "Can't help......"   "Huh? Yeah! Primates."
-Waling down the hall at the hospital trying NOT to make eye contact with the cute guy in scrubs. (GJG!!)
- Realising that I am in the stage where everyone is spending... NOT saving... I on the other hand am doing NEITHER :(




Awesome:


- Photo: That tub of shoes WILL be me one day. And I won't be afraid to say I have all of them either!!
- Punkin-Butt smiling at me for the first time in her 3 month old life. I love her to pieces!! ;)
- Seeing a buddy of mind in the hall at the hospital and him beaning because HIS WIFE just had a baby and he' s a new daddy (Yeah and he did puff his chest out a bit).
- Mom comes home, still drunk from anesthesia and I say "You're in SU CASA!!" and her face actually lights up for the first time in two days :)
- Having great frinds to text you, worried about your mom, and how YOU'RE holding up from the pressure of it all #1awesome ;)

Learning...

I'm learning to believe that I'm worth everything I want.

-Chelsea

Why not YOU?



I actually had someone ask me this a couple of years ago referring to this guy "RJ" (story to come later). I was having a hard time getting over him. It resonated in my mind for weeks. She didn't ask this many questions but she did ask "Why not Nikki? Why can't Nikki have love? What is she afraid of?" I think that was the first time I actually sat back and looked at how I was treating myself.

So I will ask YOU. WHY NOT YOU??

Blessings and Love,

Nikki

To whom it may concern...

I saw this on another blog and had to share it...

Those of you who know me know I struggle with this...
But this HIT me at my core... New meaning to life...

I'm not losing...

The Cat's out the bag now...

As you all can see I have started a new blog “The Journey of 1000 Scales”. I am really excited to get it started. The whole reason I have for this blog is so that I can show you my entire journey. Hopefully it will inspire others and get them started on their journey. But this is mine. It is going to take a lot of hard work and dedication. But I’m ready…

“WHAT IS THE SECRET!!???!?!?!” I can hear most of you now, yelling at me. Some have figured it out. Others have no clue. But now you all are going to know because I am going to tell you.lol

I am having Gastric Bypass…

There isn’t an actual date set. I wanted to delay this launch till then but ya’ll are so DOG GONE impatient!!lol Now I know some of you are thinking really? I mean where did this come from? Actually the first time I heard about it I was 16. The first person to give me info on this was Jennifer (Oliver) Bibb. I didn’t think that I wanted to do it then. I’m glad I didn’t because I was not ready. A lot of people have recommended that I have it and I turned my nose up because I didn’t want to do it.

Now I am ready. It is time for me to enjoy my life and I can’t live the way that I am. So I hope that all of you can support me in this decision. If you don’t, get over yourself or don’t talk to me because I don’t need any negativity right now. If you know me you know that whenever I try to lose weight I don’t like to talk about it. I want this to be an open book. I want to be made accountable for my actions and receive encouragement from the people that care about me. So follow me here and you will see where this is going.


You can also follow me on twitter and facebook


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