Dealing with the emotions...

Before I forget I would like to share that....

I LOST 3 LBS!!! For a grand total of... 9 LBS!!!! yayyy meeeeeeee!!!

SO exciting...

Ok. So if you follow me on the Twitter or even Facebook you will see that I have this desire to be in the gym. Right now. At 11:59 pm. I was just sitting here contemplating why this is so. I think I have actually worked out 4 times in the last 2 weeks and now I have this undeniable connection with the treadmill? 

Ummm... NO.

In all actuality, I feel restless. Helpless. Unwanted. Undesirable. Heartbroken. Let down. The list could go on and on.

All because of a Words with Friends game.

Well...  Not exactly the GAME, but the person I was playing with. See I was playing the game and it ended and there wasn't a request for a rematch.

So yeah... I have hinted at this guy RJ. Which, I probably shouldn't have mentioned him before but I'm going to talk about it  today. This is something that I need to face and I'm not going to be able to sleep till I do so here goes. This person came into my life about 5 years ago and the moment I met him I knew that this was going to be a hard one to shake. The reason why I said "one" is because I don't want to label it something and he see this and hate me even more for it. But anyway that faithful day I was shaken to the core by him and didn't know what to do about it. I mean COME ON!! I was 21 and never had  had a boyfriend before. How was I supposed to??

But anywhoo... On the way there were things that was said to me (idk if they said the same to him) by others, and somethings by him, and things said by me to him. All in all I ended up having feelings for him that I couldn't deal with. I didn't know how to. So I was immature and did it all the wrong way. Even now I still haven't learned and am trying to hang on to that one shred of hope that there could be something. 

There is nothing. Nothing else to say. Nothing else to do. If there really was something it would work. But it's not. I have cried, many times. I have cried from confusion, hurt, and even anger. I have cried so much that even now I have no tears just this anxiety of the uncertain future.

I wish there was a way I could undo what was said, felt and expressed. But the past is the past and there is no turning back now.